7.Racial Stereotypes
Please avoid stating any racial stereotypes you may have about my children or any other child. I have friends who have fostered or adopted children from many other races (Hispanic, Caucasian, etc) and all of them have stories of things people have said that would (hopefully) make your mouth drop open. Just apply the “if-you-wouldn’t-say-it-to-an-adult” rule…if you wouldn’t say something to my husband about black people, don’t say it to me about my kids.
The one I hear most often has to do with the assumption that black or Hispanic families are more likely to have their children in foster care (under that statement lies an assumption that black/Hispanic families are worse parents then Caucasian families). The fact is a majority of the children who enter the system in Arizona are Caucasian; however, most foster and adoptive families will only take white kids/won’t take minorities—that is why there are so many minority children waiting for adoption.
8.“Is it because of the drugs?”
I haven’t had this said to me, but several of my friends have. When their toddler is running all over the place or doing something that seems a little different then the “average” child, sometimes well meaning people ask if it is because the child was exposed to drugs in the womb. It would be the same as me walking up to you during your 2-year old's screaming tantrum and saying, “your child is so abnormal, what on earth happened to them that made them so difficult?” Any parent would be taken aback to that statement.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children #5 & #6
5. You’re a saint. I could never go through the pain of a child returning to the birth family or hearing their stories of abuse.
Foster parents aren't saint, I promise. When people allude to the fact that there is something “tough” about foster parents for being able to “handle” the stories of abuse, it just makes me think that they don’t have any close friends who are foster parents. The kids who don’t get to be adopted, especially when they are returning to unsafe homes—breaks the hearts of foster parents. We aren’t tough. It rips our hearts out, but the pain of a grown, healthy adult who fosters is nothing compared to an abused child having no where to live and no where to be safe. This statement says that it is better to protect your own heart and life from pain then to alleviate the pain and suffering of an innocent, abused child. This is not the gospel we have been called to and I'm sure if we each really thought about it, would admit its better to risk our own pain then to let an abused child have no home to live in.
6. God’s given you a special call
Okay, this is my least favorite statement. I wasn’t “called” to adopt or foster children any more or less then every other Christian I know. Again, read above verses…God's word is filled with a command to care for orphans and the poor and the New Testament gives a beautiful example of God adopting us into his family--we are all called to care for the orphans. There are exceptions, if you have marital issues that need to be worked on, don’t want any children, or have legitimate reasons for not being able to, then that is fine. No one should do it out of guilt or obligation. But healthy, loving families who like children should be actively involved in supporting adoptions and fostering.
There are at least 5 churches that have more members in them then Arizona has kids in the foster system waiting for placement. We have no excuse. If we believe in caring for life and abortions ending, then it makes sense to start with caring for the orphans we have already.
Instead of thinking of these families who adopt as “selfless” and “special”—just think of them as normal. If couples don’t have to pray to make sure God wanted them to get pregnant in the first place…then why do couples need to be “called” to adopt? I never hear Christians say, “God called me to get pregnant.” Too often we think/pray for God to “open the door” for us if he wants us to adopt. More of us should pray, “God, I know you’ve called us to care for the orphans and it would be an honor to do this! Please let me be one who gets to serve in such a great way! I’m going to start taking action toward this and if you don’t want it to happen, close the door.”
Foster parents aren't saint, I promise. When people allude to the fact that there is something “tough” about foster parents for being able to “handle” the stories of abuse, it just makes me think that they don’t have any close friends who are foster parents. The kids who don’t get to be adopted, especially when they are returning to unsafe homes—breaks the hearts of foster parents. We aren’t tough. It rips our hearts out, but the pain of a grown, healthy adult who fosters is nothing compared to an abused child having no where to live and no where to be safe. This statement says that it is better to protect your own heart and life from pain then to alleviate the pain and suffering of an innocent, abused child. This is not the gospel we have been called to and I'm sure if we each really thought about it, would admit its better to risk our own pain then to let an abused child have no home to live in.
6. God’s given you a special call
Okay, this is my least favorite statement. I wasn’t “called” to adopt or foster children any more or less then every other Christian I know. Again, read above verses…God's word is filled with a command to care for orphans and the poor and the New Testament gives a beautiful example of God adopting us into his family--we are all called to care for the orphans. There are exceptions, if you have marital issues that need to be worked on, don’t want any children, or have legitimate reasons for not being able to, then that is fine. No one should do it out of guilt or obligation. But healthy, loving families who like children should be actively involved in supporting adoptions and fostering.
There are at least 5 churches that have more members in them then Arizona has kids in the foster system waiting for placement. We have no excuse. If we believe in caring for life and abortions ending, then it makes sense to start with caring for the orphans we have already.
Instead of thinking of these families who adopt as “selfless” and “special”—just think of them as normal. If couples don’t have to pray to make sure God wanted them to get pregnant in the first place…then why do couples need to be “called” to adopt? I never hear Christians say, “God called me to get pregnant.” Too often we think/pray for God to “open the door” for us if he wants us to adopt. More of us should pray, “God, I know you’ve called us to care for the orphans and it would be an honor to do this! Please let me be one who gets to serve in such a great way! I’m going to start taking action toward this and if you don’t want it to happen, close the door.”
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children #3 & #4
3. Do they have the same fathers? or Are they siblings?
There are certain close friends (especially those who understand and support adoption) that I may chose to discuss this with. However, this is can be an inappropriate question to ask a family for several reasons.
1. If Vermon and I have adopted them—then OF COURSE they have the same mother and father.
2. This question again goes back to DNA and really doesn’t matter—if they really are biologically half siblings, does that make any difference since they were raised together from birth? Do you think their little minds process that they are “half siblings?” Of course not! In fact, Niko and Mya have a “biological” 2 year old brother and whenever I say that this little boy is their brother Niko quickly corrects me that he is their cousin. He always tells me, “Mom, his parents are my auntie and uncle—he can’t be my brother!”
3. The answer very well may give you a bad opinion of the birth mother and my children may not want you to know the answer to that. Their life story belongs to them and how they chose to share it will be up to each one individually. Would you randomly ask a single mom if her three children all have the same father? If you wouldn’t ask an adult a question about their life because it might be embarrassing or hurtful for them, then it probably isn’t an appropriate question to ask about my children (since they will be adults too at some point).
4.“You know what I mean”
Whenever someone says some of the above things to me and I explain to someone that Niko and Mya are children of my own and that I would have been happy only adopting…this is always the response I get.
My answer to this statement is almost always, “no, I don’t know what you mean.” A better way to respond is, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way." :)
There are certain close friends (especially those who understand and support adoption) that I may chose to discuss this with. However, this is can be an inappropriate question to ask a family for several reasons.
1. If Vermon and I have adopted them—then OF COURSE they have the same mother and father.
2. This question again goes back to DNA and really doesn’t matter—if they really are biologically half siblings, does that make any difference since they were raised together from birth? Do you think their little minds process that they are “half siblings?” Of course not! In fact, Niko and Mya have a “biological” 2 year old brother and whenever I say that this little boy is their brother Niko quickly corrects me that he is their cousin. He always tells me, “Mom, his parents are my auntie and uncle—he can’t be my brother!”
3. The answer very well may give you a bad opinion of the birth mother and my children may not want you to know the answer to that. Their life story belongs to them and how they chose to share it will be up to each one individually. Would you randomly ask a single mom if her three children all have the same father? If you wouldn’t ask an adult a question about their life because it might be embarrassing or hurtful for them, then it probably isn’t an appropriate question to ask about my children (since they will be adults too at some point).
4.“You know what I mean”
Whenever someone says some of the above things to me and I explain to someone that Niko and Mya are children of my own and that I would have been happy only adopting…this is always the response I get.
My answer to this statement is almost always, “no, I don’t know what you mean.” A better way to respond is, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way." :)
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children, #1 & #2
I am new to being a parent, but in the short time there have already been many, many things said to Vermon and I about our children that feel very uncomfortable. I know everyone has the best intentions and I don’t believe anyone would say these things to be intentionally hurtful; however, in a culture where adoption is not common, sometimes it helps to be informed.
Before I start, here are some verses that would be helpful to read to understand where I am coming from:
God’s adoption of us: Romans 8:15, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5, Ephesians 1:5
God’s heart for orphans: James 1:27, Deut. 10:17-22, Psalms 10:14, Zec. 7:10, Proverbs 31:8-9 (there are easily 40 other verses I could list about the orphans (fatherless), poor/needy—but this is a good starting point)
My next few posts will just be a list of questions and words to remove from your vocabulary when talking about adoption.
Things You Should Never Say To a Family With Adopted Children:
1.Are you going to have children of your own?
This is perhaps one of the most offensive things I hear…and I hear it on a weekly basis (now the popular one is: “You must be excited to be having a child of your own.”) Any sentence with “children of your own” included in it (referring to biological children) is incredibly offensive and hurtful. Adopted children are children of our own—there is no difference between an adopted and biological child for parents who adopt. If you have never adopted and cannot understand loving a child as much because they don’t have your DNA—please, keep those thoughts to yourself. This statement implies that biological children belong to me more than my adopted child. This is ludicrous! How can Mya and Niko, the loves of my life, be anything less then my children? Are you less of God’s child because you are adopted by him? Read some of the above verses for a short overview on how the Bible beautifully talks about Christians being “adopted by God.” If God can see me as a “child of his own” then you should be able to see my children as “my own.”
2.Are you infertile?
There are many things wrong with this question. Two of those things are:
First, the question implies that the only reason you would adopt is because you cannot get pregnant. It makes adoption seem like a second-rate version of having children. Several of my friends, including Vermon and I, wanted to adopt long before we even met our spouses and knew if fertility was an issue or not. It is something we felt passionately about and Vermon & I chose to do it before getting pregnant—or even instead of getting pregnant. Friends of mine have chosen never to get pregnant so that they can adopt as many children as possible. I hate when people tell me that I got pregnant because “God is blessing you for adopting.” The blessing of adopting was Niko and Mya entering our life. Getting pregnant was not a reward for adopting. Of course, this baby I am carrying is a blessing—but it isn’t tied to adoption. No one would say, “oh, God gave you Niko and Mya because you decided to get pregnant and give birth! How great!” Unless you would make one statement, don’t make the other.
If you make the mistake of asking this question and get the above response, PLEASE DO NOT try to convince the person to change their minds. The person will instantly start thinking of how ignorant you are and will be very hurt or angry. They haven’t made this decision lightly, so nothing you can say will change their minds. I’ve heard terrible reasons for needing to get pregnant like: (1) don’t you want to see what a kid looks like that you create? Or 2) you can’t possibly understand how special that attachment is between mother and child until you’ve carried them in you and delivered them (I could write about why those are ridiculous statements, but to keep this from getting to long—I’ll just let you ask me personally)
Secondly, I have friends who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t—they really don’t like sharing this information with everyone. For some couples this is a private and painful issue and they don’t want to share it with everyone. Also, once they have adopted, many of them regret not doing it sooner, wishing they would have realized that a child is a child—regardless of DNA. Any implication that their now adopted child was a “second choice” to biological children is hurtful.
Before I start, here are some verses that would be helpful to read to understand where I am coming from:
God’s adoption of us: Romans 8:15, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5, Ephesians 1:5
God’s heart for orphans: James 1:27, Deut. 10:17-22, Psalms 10:14, Zec. 7:10, Proverbs 31:8-9 (there are easily 40 other verses I could list about the orphans (fatherless), poor/needy—but this is a good starting point)
My next few posts will just be a list of questions and words to remove from your vocabulary when talking about adoption.
Things You Should Never Say To a Family With Adopted Children:
1.Are you going to have children of your own?
This is perhaps one of the most offensive things I hear…and I hear it on a weekly basis (now the popular one is: “You must be excited to be having a child of your own.”) Any sentence with “children of your own” included in it (referring to biological children) is incredibly offensive and hurtful. Adopted children are children of our own—there is no difference between an adopted and biological child for parents who adopt. If you have never adopted and cannot understand loving a child as much because they don’t have your DNA—please, keep those thoughts to yourself. This statement implies that biological children belong to me more than my adopted child. This is ludicrous! How can Mya and Niko, the loves of my life, be anything less then my children? Are you less of God’s child because you are adopted by him? Read some of the above verses for a short overview on how the Bible beautifully talks about Christians being “adopted by God.” If God can see me as a “child of his own” then you should be able to see my children as “my own.”
2.Are you infertile?
There are many things wrong with this question. Two of those things are:
First, the question implies that the only reason you would adopt is because you cannot get pregnant. It makes adoption seem like a second-rate version of having children. Several of my friends, including Vermon and I, wanted to adopt long before we even met our spouses and knew if fertility was an issue or not. It is something we felt passionately about and Vermon & I chose to do it before getting pregnant—or even instead of getting pregnant. Friends of mine have chosen never to get pregnant so that they can adopt as many children as possible. I hate when people tell me that I got pregnant because “God is blessing you for adopting.” The blessing of adopting was Niko and Mya entering our life. Getting pregnant was not a reward for adopting. Of course, this baby I am carrying is a blessing—but it isn’t tied to adoption. No one would say, “oh, God gave you Niko and Mya because you decided to get pregnant and give birth! How great!” Unless you would make one statement, don’t make the other.
If you make the mistake of asking this question and get the above response, PLEASE DO NOT try to convince the person to change their minds. The person will instantly start thinking of how ignorant you are and will be very hurt or angry. They haven’t made this decision lightly, so nothing you can say will change their minds. I’ve heard terrible reasons for needing to get pregnant like: (1) don’t you want to see what a kid looks like that you create? Or 2) you can’t possibly understand how special that attachment is between mother and child until you’ve carried them in you and delivered them (I could write about why those are ridiculous statements, but to keep this from getting to long—I’ll just let you ask me personally)
Secondly, I have friends who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t—they really don’t like sharing this information with everyone. For some couples this is a private and painful issue and they don’t want to share it with everyone. Also, once they have adopted, many of them regret not doing it sooner, wishing they would have realized that a child is a child—regardless of DNA. Any implication that their now adopted child was a “second choice” to biological children is hurtful.
Friday, October 02, 2009
The Normal Christian Life, part 4
So how then should we live?
We aren’t given a “pass” during different seasons of life to forsake our first love and make idols of our business, marriage, children, or job. This doesn’t mean we need to be legalistic and wake up with a check list of “things to do for God” each morning, but it does mean that whenever our relationship with Christ is not the most important thing in our life—there is sin and we desperately need to get back in alignment with our Lord. So, if there are no biblical categories for “on fire” Christians, but just one way that we are each called to live, then what is the “normal” Christian life?
Here is a short list…obviously this can be expanded and scripture has so much to say about each one. This also isn’t a check list that you “must do” out of legalism or obligation, but more of a way to examine your heart and test yourself.
1)We are called to be living sacrifices.—Romans 12:1-3
Every single one of us is called to be a living sacrifice to God. What an extreme and stark call this is in relation to how we are to live our lives. We are to see all of ourselves, our families, our time, our bodies, our minds, our affections as a sacrifice unto God. It is our “spiritual worship” (and this leads us to having renewed and transformed minds…which helps us discern the will of God!)
2)We are called to deny ourselves—Mark 8:34
3)We are called to be slaves of Christ—1 Corinthians 7:22
4)We are no longer enslaved by sin—Romans 8:8-11
5)We are called to follow in the steps of Christ—1 Peter 2:21
6)We are called to be servants –Galatians 5:13
7)We are called children of God…Romans 8:10-16, Galatians 4:1-7. Our adoption by God changes our entire identity. We have all the rights of sons of God! We are to have a close, intimate relationship with God—relating to him as a loving and good father!
8)We are called to bear fruit—Matthew 12:33
9)We are called to love our brothers/sisters –1 John 4:7-12
We aren’t given a “pass” during different seasons of life to forsake our first love and make idols of our business, marriage, children, or job. This doesn’t mean we need to be legalistic and wake up with a check list of “things to do for God” each morning, but it does mean that whenever our relationship with Christ is not the most important thing in our life—there is sin and we desperately need to get back in alignment with our Lord. So, if there are no biblical categories for “on fire” Christians, but just one way that we are each called to live, then what is the “normal” Christian life?
Here is a short list…obviously this can be expanded and scripture has so much to say about each one. This also isn’t a check list that you “must do” out of legalism or obligation, but more of a way to examine your heart and test yourself.
1)We are called to be living sacrifices.—Romans 12:1-3
Every single one of us is called to be a living sacrifice to God. What an extreme and stark call this is in relation to how we are to live our lives. We are to see all of ourselves, our families, our time, our bodies, our minds, our affections as a sacrifice unto God. It is our “spiritual worship” (and this leads us to having renewed and transformed minds…which helps us discern the will of God!)
2)We are called to deny ourselves—Mark 8:34
3)We are called to be slaves of Christ—1 Corinthians 7:22
4)We are no longer enslaved by sin—Romans 8:8-11
5)We are called to follow in the steps of Christ—1 Peter 2:21
6)We are called to be servants –Galatians 5:13
7)We are called children of God…Romans 8:10-16, Galatians 4:1-7. Our adoption by God changes our entire identity. We have all the rights of sons of God! We are to have a close, intimate relationship with God—relating to him as a loving and good father!
8)We are called to bear fruit—Matthew 12:33
9)We are called to love our brothers/sisters –1 John 4:7-12
Friday, September 25, 2009
How Calvinist Simeon Related to Wesley
This is a GREAT post by John Piper from the Desiring God Blog. He shows one of the most loving, humble conversations I have ever read between a Calvinist and an Armenian. It is so encouraging to think about how the gospel can unit the church in every way, even when theology differs.
Read the post here
Read the post here
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Normal Christian Life, part 3
2. The hot and cold vs. lukewarm Christian
“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked…” Revelation 3:15-17
Dr. Carson preached a sermon in which he discussed archeological evidence from Laodicea that brought such new and wonderful insight into this passage for me. The town directly north of Laodicea was known for having hot springs that produced fresh, hot water and the town directly south of Laodicea was known for having delicious, cold water. Laodicean’s water source came from the Lycus River, which was muddy and undrinkable—so the town had aqueducts that brought water from the hot springs five miles away. This produced lukewarm, disgusting water. There are even extra-biblical historical writings (see Josephus) where Alexander the Great wrote a letter to a friend mocking how how disgusting the water tasted in Laodicea.
Too often, Christians explain this passage to mean that there are three options when it comes to the Christian life: 1) be hot (meaning committed/on fire) 2) be cold (meaning distant/uncommitted) or 3) be lukewarm. We often describe the first two as acceptable to God and the third as unacceptable. This is not what was being said to the Laodicean church. What was being said was: I wish that you were either hot or cold (or useful for drink), but since you are not, I will spew you out of my mouth. There are not 3 options, but 2 options. This passage is not a pass to be a “cold” or distant believer for a season of life. This passage is not a statement that within the church you will find three types of believers and it is okay for some of us to be “cold” while those special leaders can be “hot/on fire.” This passage is a warning that you and your church are to be useful to the kingdom of God.
If we find ourselves living lukewarm lives, then we need to seek the Lord to make us “hot/cold.” The rest of this passage in revelation continues and says:
“…I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.”
“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked…” Revelation 3:15-17
Dr. Carson preached a sermon in which he discussed archeological evidence from Laodicea that brought such new and wonderful insight into this passage for me. The town directly north of Laodicea was known for having hot springs that produced fresh, hot water and the town directly south of Laodicea was known for having delicious, cold water. Laodicean’s water source came from the Lycus River, which was muddy and undrinkable—so the town had aqueducts that brought water from the hot springs five miles away. This produced lukewarm, disgusting water. There are even extra-biblical historical writings (see Josephus) where Alexander the Great wrote a letter to a friend mocking how how disgusting the water tasted in Laodicea.
Too often, Christians explain this passage to mean that there are three options when it comes to the Christian life: 1) be hot (meaning committed/on fire) 2) be cold (meaning distant/uncommitted) or 3) be lukewarm. We often describe the first two as acceptable to God and the third as unacceptable. This is not what was being said to the Laodicean church. What was being said was: I wish that you were either hot or cold (or useful for drink), but since you are not, I will spew you out of my mouth. There are not 3 options, but 2 options. This passage is not a pass to be a “cold” or distant believer for a season of life. This passage is not a statement that within the church you will find three types of believers and it is okay for some of us to be “cold” while those special leaders can be “hot/on fire.” This passage is a warning that you and your church are to be useful to the kingdom of God.
If we find ourselves living lukewarm lives, then we need to seek the Lord to make us “hot/cold.” The rest of this passage in revelation continues and says:
“…I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.”
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