5. You’re a saint. I could never go through the pain of a child returning to the birth family or hearing their stories of abuse.
Foster parents aren't saint, I promise. When people allude to the fact that there is something “tough” about foster parents for being able to “handle” the stories of abuse, it just makes me think that they don’t have any close friends who are foster parents. The kids who don’t get to be adopted, especially when they are returning to unsafe homes—breaks the hearts of foster parents. We aren’t tough. It rips our hearts out, but the pain of a grown, healthy adult who fosters is nothing compared to an abused child having no where to live and no where to be safe. This statement says that it is better to protect your own heart and life from pain then to alleviate the pain and suffering of an innocent, abused child. This is not the gospel we have been called to and I'm sure if we each really thought about it, would admit its better to risk our own pain then to let an abused child have no home to live in.
6. God’s given you a special call
Okay, this is my least favorite statement. I wasn’t “called” to adopt or foster children any more or less then every other Christian I know. Again, read above verses…God's word is filled with a command to care for orphans and the poor and the New Testament gives a beautiful example of God adopting us into his family--we are all called to care for the orphans. There are exceptions, if you have marital issues that need to be worked on, don’t want any children, or have legitimate reasons for not being able to, then that is fine. No one should do it out of guilt or obligation. But healthy, loving families who like children should be actively involved in supporting adoptions and fostering.
There are at least 5 churches that have more members in them then Arizona has kids in the foster system waiting for placement. We have no excuse. If we believe in caring for life and abortions ending, then it makes sense to start with caring for the orphans we have already.
Instead of thinking of these families who adopt as “selfless” and “special”—just think of them as normal. If couples don’t have to pray to make sure God wanted them to get pregnant in the first place…then why do couples need to be “called” to adopt? I never hear Christians say, “God called me to get pregnant.” Too often we think/pray for God to “open the door” for us if he wants us to adopt. More of us should pray, “God, I know you’ve called us to care for the orphans and it would be an honor to do this! Please let me be one who gets to serve in such a great way! I’m going to start taking action toward this and if you don’t want it to happen, close the door.”
Friday, October 09, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children #3 & #4
3. Do they have the same fathers? or Are they siblings?
There are certain close friends (especially those who understand and support adoption) that I may chose to discuss this with. However, this is can be an inappropriate question to ask a family for several reasons.
1. If Vermon and I have adopted them—then OF COURSE they have the same mother and father.
2. This question again goes back to DNA and really doesn’t matter—if they really are biologically half siblings, does that make any difference since they were raised together from birth? Do you think their little minds process that they are “half siblings?” Of course not! In fact, Niko and Mya have a “biological” 2 year old brother and whenever I say that this little boy is their brother Niko quickly corrects me that he is their cousin. He always tells me, “Mom, his parents are my auntie and uncle—he can’t be my brother!”
3. The answer very well may give you a bad opinion of the birth mother and my children may not want you to know the answer to that. Their life story belongs to them and how they chose to share it will be up to each one individually. Would you randomly ask a single mom if her three children all have the same father? If you wouldn’t ask an adult a question about their life because it might be embarrassing or hurtful for them, then it probably isn’t an appropriate question to ask about my children (since they will be adults too at some point).
4.“You know what I mean”
Whenever someone says some of the above things to me and I explain to someone that Niko and Mya are children of my own and that I would have been happy only adopting…this is always the response I get.
My answer to this statement is almost always, “no, I don’t know what you mean.” A better way to respond is, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way." :)
There are certain close friends (especially those who understand and support adoption) that I may chose to discuss this with. However, this is can be an inappropriate question to ask a family for several reasons.
1. If Vermon and I have adopted them—then OF COURSE they have the same mother and father.
2. This question again goes back to DNA and really doesn’t matter—if they really are biologically half siblings, does that make any difference since they were raised together from birth? Do you think their little minds process that they are “half siblings?” Of course not! In fact, Niko and Mya have a “biological” 2 year old brother and whenever I say that this little boy is their brother Niko quickly corrects me that he is their cousin. He always tells me, “Mom, his parents are my auntie and uncle—he can’t be my brother!”
3. The answer very well may give you a bad opinion of the birth mother and my children may not want you to know the answer to that. Their life story belongs to them and how they chose to share it will be up to each one individually. Would you randomly ask a single mom if her three children all have the same father? If you wouldn’t ask an adult a question about their life because it might be embarrassing or hurtful for them, then it probably isn’t an appropriate question to ask about my children (since they will be adults too at some point).
4.“You know what I mean”
Whenever someone says some of the above things to me and I explain to someone that Niko and Mya are children of my own and that I would have been happy only adopting…this is always the response I get.
My answer to this statement is almost always, “no, I don’t know what you mean.” A better way to respond is, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way." :)
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children, #1 & #2
I am new to being a parent, but in the short time there have already been many, many things said to Vermon and I about our children that feel very uncomfortable. I know everyone has the best intentions and I don’t believe anyone would say these things to be intentionally hurtful; however, in a culture where adoption is not common, sometimes it helps to be informed.
Before I start, here are some verses that would be helpful to read to understand where I am coming from:
God’s adoption of us: Romans 8:15, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5, Ephesians 1:5
God’s heart for orphans: James 1:27, Deut. 10:17-22, Psalms 10:14, Zec. 7:10, Proverbs 31:8-9 (there are easily 40 other verses I could list about the orphans (fatherless), poor/needy—but this is a good starting point)
My next few posts will just be a list of questions and words to remove from your vocabulary when talking about adoption.
Things You Should Never Say To a Family With Adopted Children:
1.Are you going to have children of your own?
This is perhaps one of the most offensive things I hear…and I hear it on a weekly basis (now the popular one is: “You must be excited to be having a child of your own.”) Any sentence with “children of your own” included in it (referring to biological children) is incredibly offensive and hurtful. Adopted children are children of our own—there is no difference between an adopted and biological child for parents who adopt. If you have never adopted and cannot understand loving a child as much because they don’t have your DNA—please, keep those thoughts to yourself. This statement implies that biological children belong to me more than my adopted child. This is ludicrous! How can Mya and Niko, the loves of my life, be anything less then my children? Are you less of God’s child because you are adopted by him? Read some of the above verses for a short overview on how the Bible beautifully talks about Christians being “adopted by God.” If God can see me as a “child of his own” then you should be able to see my children as “my own.”
2.Are you infertile?
There are many things wrong with this question. Two of those things are:
First, the question implies that the only reason you would adopt is because you cannot get pregnant. It makes adoption seem like a second-rate version of having children. Several of my friends, including Vermon and I, wanted to adopt long before we even met our spouses and knew if fertility was an issue or not. It is something we felt passionately about and Vermon & I chose to do it before getting pregnant—or even instead of getting pregnant. Friends of mine have chosen never to get pregnant so that they can adopt as many children as possible. I hate when people tell me that I got pregnant because “God is blessing you for adopting.” The blessing of adopting was Niko and Mya entering our life. Getting pregnant was not a reward for adopting. Of course, this baby I am carrying is a blessing—but it isn’t tied to adoption. No one would say, “oh, God gave you Niko and Mya because you decided to get pregnant and give birth! How great!” Unless you would make one statement, don’t make the other.
If you make the mistake of asking this question and get the above response, PLEASE DO NOT try to convince the person to change their minds. The person will instantly start thinking of how ignorant you are and will be very hurt or angry. They haven’t made this decision lightly, so nothing you can say will change their minds. I’ve heard terrible reasons for needing to get pregnant like: (1) don’t you want to see what a kid looks like that you create? Or 2) you can’t possibly understand how special that attachment is between mother and child until you’ve carried them in you and delivered them (I could write about why those are ridiculous statements, but to keep this from getting to long—I’ll just let you ask me personally)
Secondly, I have friends who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t—they really don’t like sharing this information with everyone. For some couples this is a private and painful issue and they don’t want to share it with everyone. Also, once they have adopted, many of them regret not doing it sooner, wishing they would have realized that a child is a child—regardless of DNA. Any implication that their now adopted child was a “second choice” to biological children is hurtful.
Before I start, here are some verses that would be helpful to read to understand where I am coming from:
God’s adoption of us: Romans 8:15, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5, Ephesians 1:5
God’s heart for orphans: James 1:27, Deut. 10:17-22, Psalms 10:14, Zec. 7:10, Proverbs 31:8-9 (there are easily 40 other verses I could list about the orphans (fatherless), poor/needy—but this is a good starting point)
My next few posts will just be a list of questions and words to remove from your vocabulary when talking about adoption.
Things You Should Never Say To a Family With Adopted Children:
1.Are you going to have children of your own?
This is perhaps one of the most offensive things I hear…and I hear it on a weekly basis (now the popular one is: “You must be excited to be having a child of your own.”) Any sentence with “children of your own” included in it (referring to biological children) is incredibly offensive and hurtful. Adopted children are children of our own—there is no difference between an adopted and biological child for parents who adopt. If you have never adopted and cannot understand loving a child as much because they don’t have your DNA—please, keep those thoughts to yourself. This statement implies that biological children belong to me more than my adopted child. This is ludicrous! How can Mya and Niko, the loves of my life, be anything less then my children? Are you less of God’s child because you are adopted by him? Read some of the above verses for a short overview on how the Bible beautifully talks about Christians being “adopted by God.” If God can see me as a “child of his own” then you should be able to see my children as “my own.”
2.Are you infertile?
There are many things wrong with this question. Two of those things are:
First, the question implies that the only reason you would adopt is because you cannot get pregnant. It makes adoption seem like a second-rate version of having children. Several of my friends, including Vermon and I, wanted to adopt long before we even met our spouses and knew if fertility was an issue or not. It is something we felt passionately about and Vermon & I chose to do it before getting pregnant—or even instead of getting pregnant. Friends of mine have chosen never to get pregnant so that they can adopt as many children as possible. I hate when people tell me that I got pregnant because “God is blessing you for adopting.” The blessing of adopting was Niko and Mya entering our life. Getting pregnant was not a reward for adopting. Of course, this baby I am carrying is a blessing—but it isn’t tied to adoption. No one would say, “oh, God gave you Niko and Mya because you decided to get pregnant and give birth! How great!” Unless you would make one statement, don’t make the other.
If you make the mistake of asking this question and get the above response, PLEASE DO NOT try to convince the person to change their minds. The person will instantly start thinking of how ignorant you are and will be very hurt or angry. They haven’t made this decision lightly, so nothing you can say will change their minds. I’ve heard terrible reasons for needing to get pregnant like: (1) don’t you want to see what a kid looks like that you create? Or 2) you can’t possibly understand how special that attachment is between mother and child until you’ve carried them in you and delivered them (I could write about why those are ridiculous statements, but to keep this from getting to long—I’ll just let you ask me personally)
Secondly, I have friends who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t—they really don’t like sharing this information with everyone. For some couples this is a private and painful issue and they don’t want to share it with everyone. Also, once they have adopted, many of them regret not doing it sooner, wishing they would have realized that a child is a child—regardless of DNA. Any implication that their now adopted child was a “second choice” to biological children is hurtful.
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