culture shock?

The question I keep getting asked by everyone is, "Are you experiencing culture shock coming back to the states?"

For the past few weeks I have been answering, "no." In some ways, I was prepared to re-enter my world here. I was looking forward to seeing friends and catching up on life. It was so hard to leave, but I was excited to come home too. It was very bitter-sweet getting back on the plane.

The other question I keep getting asked is, "Is it hard to be back." Up until a few days ago, it hasn't been. But the past few days I have really just been missing my life in Tanzania. I miss the boys so much. I miss the incredible friends that I left behind. I miss working with my team. I miss the pace of life, the culture, hearing swahili, running through the bananna fields, the crazy driving, going into different villages and playing with kids, laying in the grass talking with the Emmanuel Center boys and hearing their laughs, rocking on the swing on the front porch and watching the sun set, the hard rains. I even miss the mud, not knowing if their was going to be electricity when I flipped the switch, not knowing when my next shower might be...

As I sit down to "catch up" with friends and family, I don't know where to begin when talking about my time and experience there. And I don't want to be one of those annoying people that went on a missions trip once and suddenly every story she tells comes back to, "when I was in..."

I am very happy to be home. I see Phoenix with fresh eyes and I have a renewed passion to pour love into the lives of those who need it here. I know that my steps are ordered by God and he has me here, in this moment, for a divine purpose. But God opened up a well of emotions within me while I was in Africa that I didn't know existed and anytime God does that in my life it is always to move me towards action. I guess that is the question right now, what do I do with everything the Lord spoke to me and taught me these last five months?

I talked to my friend John yesterday, he was there with me my entire time. He described his emotions of being home as feeling "restless." Maybe that is a better way to explain how I am feeling. The "restless" feeling doesn't necessarily mean I am packing my bags and going back, but it does mean that God is doing something within me that will require action and change.

one year older...

I said I would never do it, but I did it. I always said only old people wore them and I always wanted to be young at heart, but I am wearing one as I type. Confession...I bought my first watch last week.

I have had them given to me as gifts before, but I have never really gotten in the habbit of wearing one. I remember when I was a kid watching my grandpa take his gold pocket watch out of his coat and checking the time and ever since then I always thought that watches were something grown-ups wore. I remember wanting a watch thinking it would mark me as an "adult" but by the time I was old enough to actually wear one, I think they were out of style. So, up until now, I have claimed that watches were for old people. I have always felt like watches were symbols of being in a hurry, just watching life pass you by. I am not someone who is late to everything, I admit that time is important, but something about actually wearing a watch, constantly looking down to check the time...it has just been something I never wanted to do.

So purchasing and wearing a watch all week was a strange experience. I kind of felt like I was looking in the mirror and finding a few grey hairs or something. I told a friend of mine that is in her 30's that I just don't feel like a grown up...she said she didn't either. So I tried talking to my friend in his 40's...he agreed, at 40, he still felt like he had so much growing to do. My dad is 50...he still feels young, my grandpa is...I don't know how old, but he is younger at heart then I am sometimes. It was just a weird moment to look down at the time and realize, that I was doing just that...watching time tick by and that I really am getting older. (I know this probably sounds a little melodramatic, especially considering how young most of you think I am! ha ha..)

This past year has gone by in lightning speed, yet each moment I feel like I have been able to savor. There were so many times last week, as I stood in the middle of God's breath-taking, incredible creation, that I felt like time stood still. It was as if life was on pause and all that mattered was God's glory and creative heart. But even in those moments where life was on pause for me, I had a greater revelation that time was moving full force and many lives were feeling controlled and abused by it. That all that really does matter is God's glory and heart, but I am surrounded by a world that doesn't really understand or know that. It doesn't matter how slow or fast I feel time may be ticking away, the fact is that time is always in constant motion and there really is so little time to reach the hearts of a hopeless world. I just want to live my life with an urgancy...no matter how young or old I am.

All that being said, I guess the watch has a new symbolic meaning to me...instead of being something that seems to controll life, it is now just a subtle reminder that I am here for a purpose and I need to surrender each moment of my life into God's hands and use it to love him and this world...

"Time is too slow for those who wait

too swift for those who fear

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love, time is eternity.

Hours fly, flowers die,

new days, new ways pass by,

Love stays."

~Henry Van Dyke