Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children, #1 & #2

I am new to being a parent, but in the short time there have already been many, many things said to Vermon and I about our children that feel very uncomfortable. I know everyone has the best intentions and I don’t believe anyone would say these things to be intentionally hurtful; however, in a culture where adoption is not common, sometimes it helps to be informed.

Before I start, here are some verses that would be helpful to read to understand where I am coming from:

God’s adoption of us: Romans 8:15, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5, Ephesians 1:5
God’s heart for orphans: James 1:27, Deut. 10:17-22, Psalms 10:14, Zec. 7:10, Proverbs 31:8-9 (there are easily 40 other verses I could list about the orphans (fatherless), poor/needy—but this is a good starting point)

My next few posts will just be a list of questions and words to remove from your vocabulary when talking about adoption.

Things You Should Never Say To a Family With Adopted Children:

1.Are you going to have children of your own?

This is perhaps one of the most offensive things I hear…and I hear it on a weekly basis (now the popular one is: “You must be excited to be having a child of your own.”) Any sentence with “children of your own” included in it (referring to biological children) is incredibly offensive and hurtful. Adopted children are children of our own—there is no difference between an adopted and biological child for parents who adopt. If you have never adopted and cannot understand loving a child as much because they don’t have your DNA—please, keep those thoughts to yourself. This statement implies that biological children belong to me more than my adopted child. This is ludicrous! How can Mya and Niko, the loves of my life, be anything less then my children? Are you less of God’s child because you are adopted by him? Read some of the above verses for a short overview on how the Bible beautifully talks about Christians being “adopted by God.” If God can see me as a “child of his own” then you should be able to see my children as “my own.”

2.Are you infertile?

There are many things wrong with this question. Two of those things are:

First, the question implies that the only reason you would adopt is because you cannot get pregnant. It makes adoption seem like a second-rate version of having children. Several of my friends, including Vermon and I, wanted to adopt long before we even met our spouses and knew if fertility was an issue or not. It is something we felt passionately about and Vermon & I chose to do it before getting pregnant—or even instead of getting pregnant. Friends of mine have chosen never to get pregnant so that they can adopt as many children as possible. I hate when people tell me that I got pregnant because “God is blessing you for adopting.” The blessing of adopting was Niko and Mya entering our life. Getting pregnant was not a reward for adopting. Of course, this baby I am carrying is a blessing—but it isn’t tied to adoption. No one would say, “oh, God gave you Niko and Mya because you decided to get pregnant and give birth! How great!” Unless you would make one statement, don’t make the other.

If you make the mistake of asking this question and get the above response, PLEASE DO NOT try to convince the person to change their minds. The person will instantly start thinking of how ignorant you are and will be very hurt or angry. They haven’t made this decision lightly, so nothing you can say will change their minds. I’ve heard terrible reasons for needing to get pregnant like: (1) don’t you want to see what a kid looks like that you create? Or 2) you can’t possibly understand how special that attachment is between mother and child until you’ve carried them in you and delivered them (I could write about why those are ridiculous statements, but to keep this from getting to long—I’ll just let you ask me personally)

Secondly, I have friends who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t—they really don’t like sharing this information with everyone. For some couples this is a private and painful issue and they don’t want to share it with everyone. Also, once they have adopted, many of them regret not doing it sooner, wishing they would have realized that a child is a child—regardless of DNA. Any implication that their now adopted child was a “second choice” to biological children is hurtful.