Things you should never say to a family who has adopted children, #1 & #2

I am new to being a parent, but in the short time there have already been many, many things said to Vermon and I about our children that feel very uncomfortable. I know everyone has the best intentions and I don’t believe anyone would say these things to be intentionally hurtful; however, in a culture where adoption is not common, sometimes it helps to be informed.

Before I start, here are some verses that would be helpful to read to understand where I am coming from:

God’s adoption of us: Romans 8:15, Romans 8:23, Galatians 4:5, Ephesians 1:5
God’s heart for orphans: James 1:27, Deut. 10:17-22, Psalms 10:14, Zec. 7:10, Proverbs 31:8-9 (there are easily 40 other verses I could list about the orphans (fatherless), poor/needy—but this is a good starting point)

My next few posts will just be a list of questions and words to remove from your vocabulary when talking about adoption.

Things You Should Never Say To a Family With Adopted Children:

1.Are you going to have children of your own?

This is perhaps one of the most offensive things I hear…and I hear it on a weekly basis (now the popular one is: “You must be excited to be having a child of your own.”) Any sentence with “children of your own” included in it (referring to biological children) is incredibly offensive and hurtful. Adopted children are children of our own—there is no difference between an adopted and biological child for parents who adopt. If you have never adopted and cannot understand loving a child as much because they don’t have your DNA—please, keep those thoughts to yourself. This statement implies that biological children belong to me more than my adopted child. This is ludicrous! How can Mya and Niko, the loves of my life, be anything less then my children? Are you less of God’s child because you are adopted by him? Read some of the above verses for a short overview on how the Bible beautifully talks about Christians being “adopted by God.” If God can see me as a “child of his own” then you should be able to see my children as “my own.”

2.Are you infertile?

There are many things wrong with this question. Two of those things are:

First, the question implies that the only reason you would adopt is because you cannot get pregnant. It makes adoption seem like a second-rate version of having children. Several of my friends, including Vermon and I, wanted to adopt long before we even met our spouses and knew if fertility was an issue or not. It is something we felt passionately about and Vermon & I chose to do it before getting pregnant—or even instead of getting pregnant. Friends of mine have chosen never to get pregnant so that they can adopt as many children as possible. I hate when people tell me that I got pregnant because “God is blessing you for adopting.” The blessing of adopting was Niko and Mya entering our life. Getting pregnant was not a reward for adopting. Of course, this baby I am carrying is a blessing—but it isn’t tied to adoption. No one would say, “oh, God gave you Niko and Mya because you decided to get pregnant and give birth! How great!” Unless you would make one statement, don’t make the other.

If you make the mistake of asking this question and get the above response, PLEASE DO NOT try to convince the person to change their minds. The person will instantly start thinking of how ignorant you are and will be very hurt or angry. They haven’t made this decision lightly, so nothing you can say will change their minds. I’ve heard terrible reasons for needing to get pregnant like: (1) don’t you want to see what a kid looks like that you create? Or 2) you can’t possibly understand how special that attachment is between mother and child until you’ve carried them in you and delivered them (I could write about why those are ridiculous statements, but to keep this from getting to long—I’ll just let you ask me personally)

Secondly, I have friends who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t—they really don’t like sharing this information with everyone. For some couples this is a private and painful issue and they don’t want to share it with everyone. Also, once they have adopted, many of them regret not doing it sooner, wishing they would have realized that a child is a child—regardless of DNA. Any implication that their now adopted child was a “second choice” to biological children is hurtful.

The Normal Christian Life, part 4

So how then should we live?

We aren’t given a “pass” during different seasons of life to forsake our first love and make idols of our business, marriage, children, or job. This doesn’t mean we need to be legalistic and wake up with a check list of “things to do for God” each morning, but it does mean that whenever our relationship with Christ is not the most important thing in our life—there is sin and we desperately need to get back in alignment with our Lord. So, if there are no biblical categories for “on fire” Christians, but just one way that we are each called to live, then what is the “normal” Christian life?
Here is a short list…obviously this can be expanded and scripture has so much to say about each one. This also isn’t a check list that you “must do” out of legalism or obligation, but more of a way to examine your heart and test yourself.

1)We are called to be living sacrifices.—Romans 12:1-3
Every single one of us is called to be a living sacrifice to God. What an extreme and stark call this is in relation to how we are to live our lives. We are to see all of ourselves, our families, our time, our bodies, our minds, our affections as a sacrifice unto God. It is our “spiritual worship” (and this leads us to having renewed and transformed minds…which helps us discern the will of God!)

2)We are called to deny ourselves—Mark 8:34

3)We are called to be slaves of Christ—1 Corinthians 7:22

4)We are no longer enslaved by sin—Romans 8:8-11

5)We are called to follow in the steps of Christ—1 Peter 2:21

6)We are called to be servants –Galatians 5:13

7)We are called children of God…Romans 8:10-16, Galatians 4:1-7. Our adoption by God changes our entire identity. We have all the rights of sons of God! We are to have a close, intimate relationship with God—relating to him as a loving and good father!

8)We are called to bear fruit—Matthew 12:33

9)We are called to love our brothers/sisters –1 John 4:7-12

How Calvinist Simeon Related to Wesley

This is a GREAT post by John Piper from the Desiring God Blog. He shows one of the most loving, humble conversations I have ever read between a Calvinist and an Armenian. It is so encouraging to think about how the gospel can unit the church in every way, even when theology differs.

Read the post here

The Normal Christian Life, part 3

2. The hot and cold vs. lukewarm Christian

“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked…” Revelation 3:15-17

Dr. Carson preached a sermon in which he discussed archeological evidence from Laodicea that brought such new and wonderful insight into this passage for me. The town directly north of Laodicea was known for having hot springs that produced fresh, hot water and the town directly south of Laodicea was known for having delicious, cold water. Laodicean’s water source came from the Lycus River, which was muddy and undrinkable—so the town had aqueducts that brought water from the hot springs five miles away. This produced lukewarm, disgusting water. There are even extra-biblical historical writings (see Josephus) where Alexander the Great wrote a letter to a friend mocking how how disgusting the water tasted in Laodicea.

Too often, Christians explain this passage to mean that there are three options when it comes to the Christian life: 1) be hot (meaning committed/on fire) 2) be cold (meaning distant/uncommitted) or 3) be lukewarm. We often describe the first two as acceptable to God and the third as unacceptable. This is not what was being said to the Laodicean church. What was being said was: I wish that you were either hot or cold (or useful for drink), but since you are not, I will spew you out of my mouth. There are not 3 options, but 2 options. This passage is not a pass to be a “cold” or distant believer for a season of life. This passage is not a statement that within the church you will find three types of believers and it is okay for some of us to be “cold” while those special leaders can be “hot/on fire.” This passage is a warning that you and your church are to be useful to the kingdom of God.

If we find ourselves living lukewarm lives, then we need to seek the Lord to make us “hot/cold.” The rest of this passage in revelation continues and says:

“…I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.”

The Normal Christian Life, part 2

Where do we see differences in how Christians are referred to in Scripture? What does this mean for us as believers?

1. The baby/mature believer

I have heard this phrase used countless times as an excuse for why some Christians are just not “ready” for ministry, or need to be in a place where they hear “shallow” sermons, or don’t study their Bibles, or continue to treat their families and others in ungodly ways. But this implies that there are two types of Christians, instead of one type of “normal” Christian. A “normal” Christian is “born” as an infant and instantly seeks the nourishment needed to steadily grow up (funny how brand new believers / “infants” are often deeply hungry for spiritual truth and changed lives vs. old Christians claiming to still be “babes in Christ”).

Scripture compares believers as baby Christian, needing spiritual milk and full grown, mature believers, able to eat “meat”. In 1 Peter 2:1-5, Peter uses the analogy not to indicate that they are immature in their faith, but that they are to long for the word of God. He tells his audience that they are to long and crave for pure spiritual milk, “like newborn infants”…but it does not end there. He tells them to crave it “so that by it you may grow up into salvation—if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.”

The other places in scripture do not look highly on those in need of “milk.” The idea of a baby believer is not a pass for someone to be this way their entire life. If you were to see a full grown man breast feeding, you would be very concerned…that is what scripture compares spiritual immaturity to. In Hebrews 5:11-14, the author calls those breastfeeding adults “dull of hering” “unskilled in righteousness” a “child”. If we meet someone who has been a believer for years and they still act and live as though they are infants, then we should question if they are truly in Christ (as well as examine ourselves if we have been using that excuse for a long time). This is not judgmental, Paul does it himself. In 1 Cor 3: 1-3 Paul actually tells the Corinthians that he can’t even address them as spiritual people, but needs to address them as unbelievers (people of the flesh) since they are still not ready for “solid food.” Paul questions if the Corinthians ever really heard the gospel because they had been entrusted with such great truth, yet were still living in a way that was not honoring and pleasing to God. Just like in nature, no where in scripture is there the idea that it is “okay” to be a five-year old infant. As we “grow older” in our faith, the “normal” Christian is called to also grow deeper (and up) in their understanding of the word of God, in loving others, in caring for others, in theology, etc. A “mature” believer should not be an exception, but expected.

“And he gave the apostles, the prophets the evangelists, the pastors and teachers to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, to building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the son of God, to mature manhood, to the measures of the same stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning by craftiness in deceitful schemes…” Ephesians 4:11-16

The Normal Christian Life, part 1

I read a book in my late teens called “The Normal Christian Life” by Watchman Nee and it shaped much of my understanding of Christianity. Honestly, I don’t remember a lot of the book now and really should re-read it; however, the title sums up the most important idea of the book. The theme over and over was that there are no “levels” of Christianity. Too often, we explain the Christian walk like there is a ladder—we start on a rung very far away from God and then we climb up it as we “mature” getting “closer and closer” to God. Pastors and missionaries are called to a “higher” standard of Christianity then the rest of us “normal Christians.” There are Christians who are “on fire” and committed and Christians who are just not in a place to be involved in ministry.

But when we look at scripture, we do not see these levels of Christianity. There is one type of life that each of us are called to live and that is the “normal Christian life.” Pastors are not called to a higher standard then someone who has been a believer for a few months or ten years. We are all called to the same standard.

Over my next few posts, I will look at the places in the Bible where we do see Christians referred to in different ways (baby vs. mature, etc.) and what those passages are saying about Christian living. I will also post what I think scripture defines the “normal Christian life” as.

3 Ways to Benefit From "Boring" Passages

I often hear that it is very challenging to read through the Old Testament because there are parts that can be "boring." Here is a great post from Desiring God's blog about how to benefit from these passages that are sometimes difficult to read.

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1997_3_ways_to_benefit_from_boring_passages/